Just some notes

First off, I know no one is reading this.  No one really cares no matter how much I try to get people to care, they just don't and I am finally ok with that.

Secondly, I have been having one heck of a time with things and I just need to vent. It's not that I don't love my life and everything in it, because I do.  There are just some things I wish I could change. 
First, I wish I could change last Christmas. It wasn't a bad Christmas. I got to spend it with family and my daughter loved Santa. I wish I could change the news I had received.  Wish I could take back going to the doctors and hearing those words.  Making my heart drop to my toes. Knowing I can't have another baby unless I have certain medicines in me is kind of a killer. Knowing each month that I am not gonna have another baby no matter how hard we try.  Some days I am pretty ok with it, then other days, I sit there and watch my daughter and cry. I KNOW she would make a GREAT big sister and I wish I could give her that baby brother or sister she wants.  I know Steve wants another baby but he is being so strong for me.  It sucks each month holding my breath hoping that it'll be that month just to have the good news that it'll be happening soon.  The reason I am bringing this up now is because this month is one of those months.  My period is a few days late but I was told last night that I would NOT be having a baby this month.  My heart, once again dropped to my toes.  I wish it could be easy for just like for others.  I know some women take years and years and my heart seriously goes out for them. I am not sure I can go through this much longer.  It hurts to much to put my heart so far out there just to be told that it's not going to happen.

That  being said, the third thing is my family.  I have no clue what I have done to my sister to make her hate me so much.  To make her feel like she has to put me down every chance she can.  That last time I was able to tell her how I felt about things going on in my life was in 2008.  I can't talk to her about anything and I don't know what I have done to be treated this way.  I try to help her, but obviously I have done something so horrible that makes her despise me and my husband.  I wish I know what I did so I could fix it.  I say it doesn't bother me, but lets be honest, a girl needs her freaking sister sometimes and I know I can't call mine and cry to her about the previously mentioned things.  This also, rips my heart out.  I wish I could fix all the mistakes in my life but I can't.  I have no clue what I have done to make my family treat me like I am no good. I wish I could see their train of thoughts when they say such rude things to me.  I can't but I wish I could so I could fix whatever happened between me and them.

Lastly, I haven't really been active in the church but I am sure trying. Its so hard to go to church each week with all those new babies knowing that I might not get that chance again.  I try my hardest to teach my daughter everything about the church but sometimes its hard when I feel as though God is being unfair. I am trying so hard to put all of it behind me and get closer to God but sometimes, like this month, its so hard.  It's so hard when we are taught that family is everything and I have My wonderful husband and daughter, but don't feel like I have much of anything else.  I don't know what I did that was so bad that it made people hate me so much and to not care about me or my family. 

I am sorry for this rant, but like I said, no one reads this so its kind of a safe place!